Loch Ness

Loch Ness

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

#duckface #selfiewednesday #sharkweek

This is an issue that I have felt very strongly about for sometime now, but I haven’t known how to broach it in a politically correct way. Finally I realized that there isn’t any politically correct way to say this without hurting some peoples feelings (although I’m quite sure the majority of people this blog refers to are illiterate, so maybe they won’t find out). As Winston Churchill said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” I wish it was something bigger and more important that I was standing up for, but it’s really quite idiotic and pathetic, but it bothers me, it irks me, it gets a bee in my bonnet, so here it is. If you easily get your feelings hurt or are going to judge me and think I’m mean, please stop reading this blog now, it’s Shark Week, why are you reading anyway, go tune into the Discovery channel and watch some poor guy get his leg or head chomped off.

To begin with I’m going to break down some really basic terms that I will be using in this blog for my readers that are not instagram and social network savvy;

hashtag- a symbol (#) used to denominate the number sign. In today’s world hashtag has a brand new meaning, now try to keep up mom, if you’re reading. A # in front of a phrase is something you connect to a picture or twitter feed. I still don’t understand how twitter works so I won’t even get that advanced. So let me use an example, that works best, if I was to post a picture of Stewie I might write underneath it, #stewie #boxer #loveofmylife. Any person can click on my # and a bunch of examples of each would come up. If you clicked on #boxer a bunch of other boxers would come up. Make sense? Still with me mom?

duckface- a girl that makes a face that strongly resembles a duck in a picture, no teeth, slight upturned pout. Apparently they think this is attractive, I’m still unsure if anyone else does.

selfie- a picture that someone takes of themselves in the mirror or by simply using the handy reverse camera function that most smart phones today have. Generally this person is of the female orientation, and strangely they also are duck facing. Now don’t get me wrong, a selfie is not a picture someone else took of you, that is okay, unless you do it all the time. A selfie is a picture taken by you, of you, for you.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me digress a little bit and give you the backstory on my personal social network. Because of the secret society I belong to, I know more people then I’d say the average human knows. In fact when my friends Joey and Sarah come out to visit me, we inevitably run into someone I know everytime, no matter where in LA we are, this has led Joey to believe I am the mayor of LA and in fact lovingly has given me the nickname, Mayor. Truth is, it is a complete coincidence that this happens when they come and just some random force of nature, and generally I never run into people I know in this big city, unless I’m with Sarah and Joey. I don’t tell them though, I just pretend it happens all the time, it makes me feel like kind of a big deal, which I’m not. I pretend not to see or hear Sarah lean over and whisper into Joey’s shocked face that we have yet again run into another friend of mine, “they’re in the secret society.” So I have a lot of acquaintances. I have the normal amount of close friends, but A LOT of acquaintances. So the way the social network thing goes is, I end up having a lot of my secret society acquaintances on there.  I may not be all of their biggest fans, and I’m sure they don’t all think I’m the bees knees, but it’s kind of an obligation to the secret society, we all band together even though we all might not have everything in common (the secret society is starting to sound like a cult, I do realize that, it’s not, I promise).

Okay, now that all that’s out of the way lets get down to brass tacks. I am so fed up of looking at the same girls selfies day after day. I am really irritated and resentful at girls who take selfies all the time and girls who have duck faces in their selfies.  Okay, so I know I should just stop following them right? But I can’t, it’s like watching shark week, so intensely disturbing but so hard to look away. There are a few girls in particular that I am thinking of, and like I said, I’m pretty sure none of them know how to read, so I don’t think I have to worry about them seeing this. So really, what in the world are these girls thinking? I mean it really gets under my skin. They will post the exact same shot, of their pursed duck lips in a pouty expressionless line, behind a different background everyday. There’s this one girl I follow on instagram who literally every day, sometimes three times a day posts the exact same picture of herself in the various places she visits throughout the day, my favorite part is her hashtags. She tags #selfiewednesday, or #selfietuesday, or #selfiemonday, depending on the day of the week. It doesn’t even make sense. Okay, #throwbackthursday makes sense, and is cute when you post a picture of you when you were five years old licking an ice cream cone in your undies. But #selfiewednesday doesn’t even make sense! It’s not even an alliteration! #flashbackfriday, #throwbackthursday, these make sense to me, but #selfiewednesday is just an excuse to put another boring picture of yourself up, and I’m sick of looking at you.  And for fucks sake can you have some other expression besides that toothless trying to be seductive but look like a total jackass look. I mean, I am really upset about these selfies guys, I don’t know why it disturbs me so much. I know that a psychologist would say to me, “well usually the things that irritate you in other people are the things you see in yourself that you don’t like.” But I do not take selfies. I also am aware that I am not God and have no business passing judgement on what people do with their free time, but I am human and not Mother Teresa, so I do judge.

I actually have a real plan to fix this problem, and trust me, it is a problem. I know I’m not the only one that is extremely disturbed by the level of vanity that has overcome social networking. I mean, my friend Sherah, (about to throw you under the bus Sherah), texts me every other day, screenshots of the culprits doing their thing, just in case I missed it in my feed, because I’m not quite as glued to my instagram feed as Sherah is. (By the way, completely unrelated, but Sherah is single). I’ve got a plan to stop selfies, and I really think it’s a solid one. I can’t fix the national debt. I can’t bring about world peace. I’m not going to win a Nobel Prize for curing a disease. But I can try and put a dent in selfies. As far as I am concerned you all get a redo as of today. As far as I am concerned none of you have ever posted one, including myself. The next person I see who posts a selfie will be deleted immediately. Now I don’t consider myself so important that my deleting them would affect their life in any negative way at all, but if we all get together we can make a difference! If you all continue to one by one delete the people you follow who post selfies, then eventually there will be nobody left to look at their pictures, and they may actually start posting some pictures of substance (like puppies or food).

Who’s with me? I implore you to all join my cause, maybe if we all band together we can eradicate selfies forever!!